Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
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Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
When you “pspspsp” too hard
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
Are you ok, human???
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
real
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.