Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
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Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”