I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
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For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
Wake me when AI does housework
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.