911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
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I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.