*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
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Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
“HELP WITH CAT”
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks