Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
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[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
good work, detective
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works