Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
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Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.