Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
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Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names