Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
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My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling