The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
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Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 馃
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
The “baby” on the left….
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren鈥檛 impressed
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…馃悎馃悎
#TuesdayMotivaton
If you don鈥檛 get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don鈥檛 get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that鈥檚 ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it鈥檚 just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
hot panini鈥檚 mom is pissed, you guys.
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.