Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
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My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
When you don’t understand how floors work
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.