I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
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*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
Otters see a butterfly.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior