if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
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Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty