Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
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what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt