I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
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Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
kevin is now a local weatherman
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
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Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.