Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
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To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”