Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
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My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.