Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
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I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
Dammit Chief not again
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
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