Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
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I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like