my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
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“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
Love this one 😂🧟
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.