still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
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[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.