Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
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[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
Seas the day!!!!
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.