When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
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Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
I mean…but I did
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.