When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
You Might Also Like
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
The French cow says MEUX…
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else