Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
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Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half