If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended đź‘Ť
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[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
Education is vital
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue