I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
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Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
Terribly Tuesday.