I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
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Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
Sunday
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.