I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
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1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
“you recording!?”
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?