Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
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ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
❤️🦆
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire