It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
You Might Also Like
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.