I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
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For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
how much does a mortician urn in a year
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
all that yoga finally paid off
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”