I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
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Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago