I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
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A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something