[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
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my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!