Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
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Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most