i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
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me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome