I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
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ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.