Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
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“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute