watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
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Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.