Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
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It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?