i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
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Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.