In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
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I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.