[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
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Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows