I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
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Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.