When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
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Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what