[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
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Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.