We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
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I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
British people be like I’m Bri ish
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
I am a gravy boat captain
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf