waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
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My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
Here鈥檚 this year鈥檚 kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn鈥檛 the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn鈥檛 have the guts!
Happy Halloween 馃巸
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I鈥檓 funny, and now I鈥檓 sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 馃槂
“it’s $9”
馃槱
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
馃槂
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
My time has come.
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
My wife looks for signs I鈥檓 cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
If you鈥檙e ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you鈥檒l know which way space is.
Batman: [sees signal] what鈥檚 the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren鈥檛 you at my birthday party
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Them: Hey aren鈥檛 you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*