Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
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Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
This is a sub tweet
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
me working on my assignments ^-^